Universal Physical Laws, as applied to pool swimming.
Law of Gravity
When left unattended, a swimmer will gravitate to the worst technique possible.
Law of Inertia
A swimmer at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by an outside force. A swimmer in motion will tend to rest as soon as possible unless acted upon by an outside force.
When asked to kick rapidly, swimmers tend not to; when told not to kick, swimmers tend to kick rapidly.
The Space and Time Continuum
When swimming Breaststroke or Butterfly in practice, swimmers hands are attracted to the turning wall, each hand at a different speed, at different times, at different points not in the same plane. All time periods are multiples of a Master’s Minute.
Laws of Acceleration & Momentum
The Law of Acceleration may only apply for two Master’s Minutes after coach reminds swimmers that it is important, then the Law of Momentum becomes dominant. After multiples of a Master’s Minutes it is replaced by the Law of Inertia.
Swimmers will automatically seek their own comfort level and tend to attract others to do the same.
Mind over Matter
The mind can overcome many obstacles during competition but the same does not usually apply during practices.
Law of Finite Attraction
Even after carefully explaining the efficiency and effectiveness of an ideal stroke rate, swimmers will invariably lose the ability to count strokes and think about any related concept within two Master’s Minutes. See similar anomaly under Law of Acceleration.
The actual position of the swimmer’s body, in relation to the position in which it is supposed to be, may vary up to + or – 100%.
Vertical and Horizontal Telemetric Disassociation
When rotated 90 degrees from the vertical to supine or sublime position, the brain loses most of its ability to function.
The Babylonian Principle
Within three minutes of the start of coach speaking, the swimmers begin hearing unrecognisable tongues. See the similar anomaly under Law of Finite Attraction.
The amount of fluid the bladder can retain is indirectly proportional to the difficulty of the middle of the current practice set.
Some security video has recently surfaced of my first pool training session.
(I edited and rewrote some of these from http://www.tenbychaseswimclub.org/Swim_jokes.htm)