Classic panda eyes offset by tones of Caucasian tan with a simple, pure towelling wrap. All highlighted by essential neon orange.

There was a discussion on Twitter amongst Irish bloggers that caught my eye, but when I checked it was for Irish Beauty bloggers. I see no reason why I should be excluded, the beauty of open water swimmers through the ages being well known.

Beauty

• Panda eyes are always on trend. A classic look that subtly indicate a zesty lifestyle.  Light occular highlights amplified by surrounding varying sienna and crimson tones.

• Pasty-white fish-abdomen are back in fashion of the 21st century, harkening back to the classic days of the Romanov’s and reminiscent of northern latitude spring strolling on the Neva Prospect hoping for glimpses of the Tzarina. Decrease in pigmentation from back to front is graduated in men and more obvious in ladies, who use the classic cut high-back swim costumes. Ladies who bathe in low-back cut costumes will have an attractive contrépoint to an enframing pale skin.

• Lanolin or Channel Grease are excellent skin-care products. Liberally apply to armpits and neck. The L’Eau de Mouton fragrance of the lanolin is an added benefit and considered quite heady in certain circles. Removal is ideally achieved via application of dish-washing liquid, applied liberally. Petrolé-Um Jelé is a modern but quite acceptable alternative and makes excellent waterproof makeup once applied thickly enough.

• Experienced bathers will develop a fine motley of lines across their mien and many fine white keloid marks on their extremities. While either plebian or affected in other circles, amongst the swimming fraternity such lines are a mark of distinction and beauty.

Fashion

• In fabrics, both lycra or polyester are timeless bathing wear. Lycra speaks of commitment and polyester alludes to endurance, but neither to the exclusion of the other. Wool and cotton have however long become déclassé  and should be avoided by any well-bred bather as bathing attire.

The Royal Portrait of His Grace, Kevin, of the House Murphy, First of his Name, King of the Channel, Secretary of the CS&PF, Conqueror of the North Channel, Earl of Lough Ness, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Protector of the Realm and Lord of The Seven Seas –                                         Artist Kim Blick – By Royal Appointment 

• 

  Embrace your MAMIL – Middle aged man in lycra

  The cut for gentlemen ranges from perennial briefs through square-leg cut to contemporary longer-legged jammers. Gentleman Of A Certain Age should give due consideration to the entire ensemble before committing to jammers. Gentlemen Of A Certain Age should also assiduously avoid briefs of less than a four centimetre side panel. So-called board-shorts are a faux-pas in bathing circles and a sure sign of an arrivisté swimmer. The male swimmer should wear his Speedoes with panache and confidence and a wide-legged abdomen-forward stance is preferred. His Grace sets the standard for all lesser personages.

• Colour trends will always include understated black as pre-eminent but splashes of vivid primary colours are quite de-rigueur at the moment.  Under no circumstances should white or yellow ever be worn, by either gender, as these are the epitome of vulgarity. Muted hues of pastel shades are quite risqué and skirt the boundaries of decency and respectability.

• Casual aprés-swim wear for bathers includes the resurgent wool blends, especially the upmarket Merino grades, with towelling and modern micro-fibres also popular and yet acceptable.

• The millinery arts yield an every changing yet ever paradoxically-static facet of bathing accoutrements. Silicon or latex are the artificial fabrics of choice as dictated by season and temperature.  In some less-fashionable countries it can be acceptable to go bare-headed or wear neoprene, but either can be considered gauche, especially during a début bather’s formal Dover swim.

• Fragrances for open water swimmers have been impervious to changing trends with the aromatic Sal Du Mer eternally popular. It should be noted that Sal Du Mer both masks and removes the more common and stifling fragrance; Chlorine! It’s a Swimmer Thing. Some swimmers embrace the aforementioned L’Eau de Mouton, and others contrive a covering of aromatic Crème de Coconut. Admixtures of any or all are indicative of a certain ineffable swash.

Do you think I can now be nominated for Best Beauty and Fashion blog?