Open Water Swimmers Are Disgusting

As overheard. By which writers really mean, it’s something they may have said or wished they had said.

That’s the weekend swim towel so it doesn’t really probably need to be washed for another couple of weeks .

Yes, he always pees on himself just before he starts a swim.”

“Unexpected? Well, I was out in big chop and my sinuses filled up with sea water. That’s why there’s so much snot.

“If you could all face the other way for a moment, I’m going to take a dump now.”

“That’s my post-swim t-shirt. That’s why it’s a bit…stiff, from the grease. What would be the point in washing it?”

“Did you feel that warm patch? Yeah, that was me. I warmed the sea up for you. Just a little.”

“Where’s the dish-washing liquid? I need to take a shower.”

“I’ll have a hot chocolate, yes, with cream, um, a bacon and egg sandwich, a slice of carrot cake, make that two slices, a couple of those brownies..oh and give me a sausage sandwich as well. Whole-wheat please, I only eat healthy. Yeah, throw everything on there. No, this cup is my own protein shake. Do you have bananas?”

“That taste in the water? Sewage overflow outlet. Don’t worry about. The dilution will protect you.”

“I knew I was more experienced when I could throw up without breaking stroke.”

” I think there might be a melted or squished Mister Choco left at the back of the glove compartment. Try under the seat. Screw the Eat-By date”

 “I forgot to grease my crack. I’ve got a wicked case of nappy rash now.”

“I could time my feeds by how often I peed.”

“It’s just blood. Skin grows back.”


6 thoughts on “Open Water Swimmers Are Disgusting

    • There’s no real explaining to others that special first time you have to grease up one of your friends…I’m outing Sylvain as insisting on the most, shall we say comprehensive, greasing up I’ve had to do!


  1. Hilarious, and so very true. I’ve heard iterations of every single one of these, and uttered most of them myself at one time or another. Happy Thanksgiving from across the pond!


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