I touched your foot.
I didn’t grab it or stroke it.
I’m not a weirdo.
During the lap.
It was just a tap.
On your toes.
Deliberately.
You probably jumped.
I’m sorry.
I’m not really sorry.
I just wanted to pass.
Because I’m not fast,
But you are more not fast.
And I wanted to get past.
But you turned in front of me.
At the wall.
And that’s not all.
You’re doing granny stroke,
Impeding this bloke.
Why are you yelling?
I touched your toes.
I never mentioned
Your kick to my nose.
You knew I was there,
And you didn’t care.
So I touched your foot.
Please let me past.
Please let me past.
Or next time I’ll might go all crazy butterfly with paddles and fins and splashy water and aggression and stuff and one of us is going down,
And I won’t care if you are 74.
Related articles:
LoneSwimmer 
Pingback: The Return of Furious Bob | LoneSwimmer
I found this recently and it is hilarious. I particularly love the lines “Because I’m not fast, but you are more not fast. And I wanted to get past”. I wrote my own version about running on the track, where there is often a similar problem. I don’t know if you are interested but here it is anyway:
https://differentialgeometri.wordpress.com/2016/02/26/i-yelled-track/
Thanks for the inspiration and I hope the post gives you enough credit for your idea.
LikeLike
Thank you, I did indeed see your version, and it’s really enjoyable. Delighted to have provided some inspiration. I’ve a vague notion for a sequel, but it’s not working so far.
LikeLike
Pingback: I yelled “TRACK!” – differentialgeometri
Ugh THIS! If you don’t know lap swimming etiquette, stay out of the pool! Love your blog! Thanks for all the tips and laughs 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Janice.
LikeLike
Donal, your title had me wondering all day and I’ve just had a great chuckle reading the whole post now!
LikeLike
Glad you had a laugh Jean, it was a surprisingly popular post. IF only humour was easy to write for me all the time!
LikeLike
I doubt it’s easy for anyone to write all the time. But you’re going well. Let it lap up on your shores!
LikeLike
The poem is brilliant, the thread , possibly even more so.
LikeLike
Great – Think I’ve seen some of the old man’s relatives round here … just imagine how he’d yell if he were overtaken 🙂
LikeLike
Oh sweet baby jebus,my husband sent me this and i nearly fell off my chair. My own personal experience( and i’m no man from atlantis but…) lady gets in to share my lane and insists on doing backstroke very sllloooowwly down the middle of the lane…arrgghh
LikeLike
Glad you enjoyed it.
LikeLike
excellent writing… great article
LikeLike
Thank you.
LikeLike
That is just so good and true, such a delight
LikeLike
I’ve been laughing all day at this. I love it.
LikeLike
LOVE!!!
LikeLike
Appreciate it Lynn, hope you are well and planning to visit Ireland for a nice cold swim at some point!
LikeLike
“Because I’m not fast,
But you are more not fast.”
LikeLike
Best lines in the poem. EE Swimmings.
LikeLike
I’m glad you liked that, that’s the one phrase I’m happy with!
LikeLike
My favorite lines too. Best thing I’ve read all day!!!
LikeLike
Thanks Cortney!
LikeLike
unfortunately i think i prefer the shopping list.
LikeLike
Sometimes, me too.
LikeLike
The man on the subway next to me asked what made me smile so big. He also enjoyed your poem
LikeLike
Thank you Janine, that is SO cool! NYC if I am correct?
LikeLike
The worst! In Korea the ajumas (old ladies) tend to stop in halfway across the pool to catch their breath and chat with their friends in the other lanes, standing mind you… There are all these great pools that were built for the ’88 Olympics, but they only fill them half way. They say it’s for ‘safety’ so nobody drowns. The hazardous part is climbing down a ladder into a meter of water. Also the water temp is high even for a pool. Okay, I’m done now.
LikeLike
Love the piece, by the way.
LikeLike
Thanks Charlie!
LikeLike
Interesting & thanks. I’ve never once heard of any valid economic reason for the Olympics that isn’t negated by the “what happened afterwards” stories. Who except swimmers would realise the global menace that is elderly ladies?
LikeLike
can you post a picture, Charlie??? your small description is fascinating
LikeLike
Brilliant writing – wonderful 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks Alice. I really enjoyed your article on Champion Women swimmers, and I’m will be mentioning Alice Beckwith briefly in an upcoming post. I’ll be dropping a link across to your article in it.
LikeLike
Wonderful – thank you, that’s really lovely to hear – I really enjoyed writing it and it is important to give recognition to these incredible women past and present and a great way to inspire others 🙂 Love your typo too – I wish it was Alice Beckwith but it is Agnes – if I can embody just a thimble of her tenacious London girl swimming spirit then that would be awesome!
LikeLike
Agnes is better for the time isn’t it?
LikeLike
Definitely! Such an amazing woman – I grew up around Greenwich and can’t help but think how wicked it would be to just jump in at London bridge and swim down like she did!
LikeLike
Reblogged this on A Lotus Rises and commented:
Brilliant writing from the Lone Swimmer ‘I Touched Your Foot’
LikeLike
Ah the swimmer who just hasn’t a clue…when I did lunch time swims in the public pool, there were a few of these fine characters. That’s why pool sessions with a club are SO much better. Niall, Dublin SC
LikeLike
God that’s marvelous. We moved from our old pool for this very reason. I called it ‘Cocoon’… (and worse)
LikeLike
I hope that October 2015 will not become known as the month when I publicly admitted to inappropriately touching someone!
LikeLike
Nice!
I experienced the joy of some rotten old man who was upset I was getting his hat wet. He was in the lane(s) next to me doing water aerobics and I dared to flip-turn and get his straw hat wet. Yes, he wore a straw hat indoors. The first time I thought it was a mistake. The second time I knew it wasn’t so stopped and told him to bugger off (but with more polite words). The third incident, when he timed his splashing of me to sync with the exact moment I was turning my head to breath, was the final straw. I spoke with the lifeguard who kicked him out.
LikeLike
Brilliant – I love it!
LikeLike
Why is something I wrote in 10 minutes so popular? I don’t understand people.
LikeLike
“Why is something I wrote in 10 minutes so popular? I don’t understand people”….yes you do.
LikeLike
Well thanks you, but really the posts into which I have put the most work and of which I am most proud are usually some of the least viewed posts on the site. That’s where my confusion comes from. But I do understand that a quick laugh is probably more popular than hanging my soul out in public. It would be great if I could write more humour as they are always popular, but despite this one aberration, most of my attempts are hard work and the ideas rare.
LikeLike
It’s because it resonated with so many people who are constantly frustrated by the lack of manners and consideration of some people who use swimming pools
LikeLike
Yes, thanks, you are right, it’s certainly something we all experience. It’s not a subject I like to return to too often though, as it’s a bit like fishing from a barrel, most times it would be too easy a subject.
LikeLike